Blog New World, I Am Remiss - Pt. 1

As I continue to embark on this journey of blogging, I figured I had a lot to learn in order to get caught up in this new world I've entered. As in any group, blogger or otherwise, it has it's own brand of language, idioms and tendencies. This is no more true than for sports writers! So, like any kid on his first day of class in a new school, I had a look around to see what everyone else was doing so as not to stand out...in a bad way.

Now, it is at this point I think it's important to shed a little light on my computer ability/background. I'm not, as my Mother in Law used to say, "Tech-y Suave-y". Although, I didn't start out that way. In the olden days, before Color Gameboy, my brother and I had a Vic 20 computer (Yes, it was brand new. So yes, I'm that old). We spent hours learning how to create games using Basic language, having all sorts of laughs as our big blinking square cursor bounced around the screen. Then one day the Nintendo Entertainment System came out. I forgot ALL about my game programming once I knew that I could purchase games pre-made. I would never again have to waste my time, painstakingly typing everything up on my own. "What do you mean *syntax error*?! F#@% You Vic!

For the better part of two decades, I left computers alone whilst filling up my free time with video games and music. Later, when I attended university and I had projects due, I would turn to the device and use it as a means to an end. Really, I pretty much neglected it unless it had some way of serving me. Throughout the years, my computer would go through different names like, "music stealing machine" (how I miss you, Napster), "tax submitter" and "pornography box".

Thus, when I began to search for other hockey bloggers to steal from research, I was floored. I had NO idea that there was an entire world of information available on the internet and that a multitude of hockey/Oiler based conversations were happening all over, just waiting for me to discover! Who knew there were THIS MANY me's? Talk about Oiler overload! And it had been going on for years! WTF?! Hell, as far as I knew, sports were watched LIVE on television and discussed in dingy watering holes and lounges. Otherwise, all other news from around the league was passed on through SportsCenter (Jay and Dan, please come home) or *newspaper box scores.

*NOTE: If you don't know what a newspaper is, its alright. They will soon be obsolete.

As I began to pour over all these new found treasures of Oiler information and insight, three things became  very apparent to me. One, that over the years of my absence in the conversations, the hockey blog world had developed and evolved some of its own unique language . Two, there was a very broad base of incredibly informed fans who three, used a brand new type of analytic statistics to argue over and prove their point. I felt lost. I had missed out. I had that same feeling you get when you skip way too many classes and the day you decide to return to get caught up...is test day! Ugh.

Now, normally in cases like these I just end up dropping the class and forgetting the whole thing ever happened. But not this time! I was determined not repeat the mistakes of my past! I was actually going to make a serious effort...for me.

 At first this new world of hockey discourse seemed incredibly foreign and overwhelming, but I kept on. Refusing to be daunted by the unknown, I forced myself into the blogosphere and waded through the dark sea until I began to wrap my head around these strange concepts. -ish.

So it is, after a minimum of AT LEAST two and a half hours of  half-assed journalism and research, that I would like to present to my fellow dirty bar/man cave hockey fans who have NO CLUE about what's going on in the Oilogosphere or any hockey blog site for that matter - a sample list of some of the new terms and their definitions I have discovered.

I'll start you off with a few pieces of the jargon I picked up on. Feel free to use these with your friends and peers. To the uninitiated, you will appear knowledgeable and hockey savvy. To those in the know, you will seem as one of their own. Plus, I just saved you about 145 minutes of your own time.

Your welcome.

THE NEW TERMINOLOGY

BOXCARS: This is just a players stats for a given time period/number of games played in the simple goals-assists-total points format.

Examples: Jordan Eberle last season 80GP 28-37-65 or Denis Grebeshkov 7GP 0-1-1 *shudder*
                  or Sir Mix-A-Lot 36-24-36 "Hahaha, only if she's five three..."

Why the term boxcars you ask? Well, I couldn't find any direct link to the terms' origins but I'm assuming someone used it because the string of numbers looks like a little choo-choo train. As an abbreviation, it seems uneccesary because the word stats is shorter than boxcars. In fact, stats is shorter than a lot of words. And its not like it provides any extra meaning either. If you asked the average hockey fan, "Hey, what were Eberle's stats last year?", you would get the same answer. Someone ought to tell these people.

ARROWS: As in 'an indication of direction'. Usually used in conjunction with a particular players stats over a period of time especially with those not yet in the NHL to demonstrate how they are trending in the minors in order to project future NHL success.

Example:  'Over the last two seasons, player X has increased their point production from .55 points per game to .75 points per game. Nice arrows there." or "Arrow up for player X who is now facing tougher competition but still producing 5 on 5." or " My middle finger is an upward arrow every time one of the Sedins score."

PUSH THE RIVER:  Although it may sound like poker terminology, the "river" portion of this phrase refers to the flow or direction of the players/game on the ice i.e. towards the offensive or defensive zone. A player who pushes the river is one who can dictate the flow of the game towards the other teams zone and spends little time in his own end. Taylor Hall is a great example of this. Unfortunately, the other 19 players on the Oilers, are not.

CUP OF COFFEE: This is the hottest idiom in all of hockey right now. It was said once somewhere (this person should be shot) and has spread like a bad case of Herpes. Seriously, it's everywhere; it's the LOL or OMG of hockey terminology. This phrase is used in reference to the brief amount of time a player spends on an NHL team during a call-up or some other spot duty action as in 'they were only around long enough to get a cup of coffee' while playing for the team. It's a real good way of making sure those players that are only in the lineup because of divine circumstance (injury or a limited preview) feel that IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM are they actually part of the team. Keeping players feeling ostracized must make them try harder. Dallas Eakins uses this quite a bit in his press conferences and judging by his playing record, loves a good cup of Joe.

COKE MACHINE: A player who is as large as, but is probably just as useful as, a coke machine on skates. It often refers to high risk draft picks, sometimes chosen higher in the draft than their consensus draft ranking, because of their size and not necessarily their ability to play. Why, you may ask? Simple answer: in order to draft the next unicorn, otherwise known as Milan Lucic. The idea that a team can get a player who can skate through people but can make/take a pass/play is just too much to resist in today's large man NHL.

WALKABOUT: NOT what Crocodile Dundee did in Australia. Much like the above term, this refers to any draft player taken higher in draft order than ranked - if that player was even ranked at all. Example: The Oilers went walkabout when they drafted the coke machine Cameron Abney 82nd overall. He was probably ranked 192468394th at the time.

QUALCOMP or QC: You'd never get this one, but it's short for quality of competition. It starts by assigning individual players of opposing teams a "how tough are you to play against" value, often based on amount of ice time. Now knowing these values, you can look at the players on your own team and who they played against and see what the average quality of their competition was when they were on the ice. As the best players more often than not play against the other teams best players, it gives you an idea of who the good players are on a given team and who the coach trusts on the ice. By this metric, you can tell that John Tortorella loved him some Sedins' last year but pretty much hated every other player on his team as much as I do.

This last definition leads us into the new movement of statistical information or "fancy stats" that overwhelm the hockey blogosphere today. It's a great place to stop for now (I've typed a ton of words and I really need a drink) and we'll pick up where we left off next time with some of my shallow analysis in the field in part 2.

What, Where When, Why and Who the Hell Are You?

Photo courtesy of www.spschools.org

This is where it all began. It also had a kick-ass playground in the back with a wooden platform structure filled with splinters and jagged nails that's probably since been torn down for "safe" plastic slides or some crap. And our mascot was an owl. 

Hello and welcome to my first ever blog entry. I'm thinking that one day we will all look back on this and laugh. Hopefully for nostalgic reasons as all of the bugs and kinks were ironed out over a long and prolific blogging career and that it is impossible to imagine that I ever started out at such meager and humble beginnings - kind of like watching the Tracey Ullman Simpsons shorts vs. today's full episodes. I have no idea what I'm doing or even how to go about writing a blog let alone a sports team centered one, but I won't let that stop me! I may be as clueless as Ralph Kruger the day he was fired but I am pressing on anyway...

Because I am lacking in journalism skills I went back to my last known source of writing education in order to find a way to attack this post - television! I believe it was the Electric Company that taught us the five W's ( if I'm wrong, please feel free to correct me) and so I figured following this simple investigative technique, I could introduce myself and announce just what it is I intend to do with this space. Here we go....

WHO. I am a middle aged married father of two and a small business owner living in British Columbia, Canada. I am a hockey fan and more importantly an Oiler fan (insert remark of pity here). I am in no way associated with any media or the team itself (they'd never have me). Unless you count the time Paul Coffey came to my school in St. Albert, Alberta in the 80's and a friend dared me to touch his Porsche. I did it, so it practically made me a member of the team at the time. Right?

WHERE. On the internet. They have it on computers now.

WHEN. Hmmmm. Don't know yet. Right now I'm planning on an average of three times a week. After games and/or after any significant happenings in Oilerdom. Otherwise whenever I feel like it. I have to warn you though, I'm pretty lazy. It's possible this is my only post and I quit on the second day. Hell, I may even quit before finishing this sent...

WHAT. This blog will be predominantly Oiler-centric. Commentary and opinion with very little news as my sources will be the same as most Oiler fans, I won't be breaking any fascinating or shocking events. I'll also discuss any other happenings or issues from around the league that I care to. It's my blog, I'll do what I want.
What your not going to find here is a whole lot of prattling on about in-depth statistics or analytics. Not because they don't have merit or a place in the game, I'm just not that interested in them nor do I care to put a whole lot of effort into looking them up (see above laziness) or even learning what they mean. Vollman, Pronman and Corsi sound like a law firm to me. No, all you will read here is complete unfounded opinion from a lone fan. God help me.

WHY. Because I love the Oilers and have ever since I was 8 years old when my father took me to my first Oiler game at Northlands Coliseum. Because I love to talk about the Oilers in depth and nobody in B.C. gives a damn about anything but the Canucks. 

NOTE: I hate the Canucks like Don Cherry hates Europeans and I promise to write an entire post in reference to this. 

Because I used to work in a sports bar for several years constantly surrounded by hockey fans of all walks of life. Every night was an in-depth discussion of how much a player or players or team sucked or what a team, GM or player(s) could do to get out of said suckitude. We also used to ridicule one another for who we loved and followed and argued to the wee hours of the night over it like we were solving world issues. I miss it and this is my outlet to make up for it.

 Because my wife (who is an impressive hockey fan and blogger in her own right - check out her Mom/ Cooking blog here) is sick of listening to me opine about a team who hasn't made the palyoffs in eight years on a nightly basis before bed. Apparently it doesn't make for good pillow talk. Because I read so many Oiler blogs and so many of them are so stats heavy (which is great for that crowd, I'm not looking to make enemies here) they bore me. And those that aren't, I want to weigh in with my opinion as ludicrous or unfounded as it may be. 

As for the blog name "Oilers - Twice Removed" it is a reference to three things. One is the number of provinces I have lived as an Oilers fan other than Alberta. As I mentioned before, I used to live in St. Albert, where I was introduced to the team and my sad love affair with the team began. After 5 years of living in the heart of the glory days ('83-'88)  I moved to Winnipeg Manitoba. Hint: If you moved to the 'Peg in 1988, DO NOT show up to your first day of school in an Oilers jersey, espicially if it has Tikannen on the back of it! Not everyone will share your love of this great dynasty team and you will spend eternity removing your underpants from your butt crack. You should perhaps be more aware that the Oilers were responsible for ending nearly every Jets playoff run for the better part of the decade and your school mates will hate you even more when they do it again in '90 when down 3 games to 1. Go Ranford! Luckily for me, I graduated from high school, the Jets left town and the Oilers were in a dismal spiral of ineptitude save the grand run of '06. In 2009, my wife, eldest daughter and I packed up and moved to B.C. to  start our family life together. Another province without Stanley Cups and an indifferent base of Canucks (spits on floor) fans.Again, I will expand on feelings toward this team at a later date but for now we'll just say that they put me in a "dark place". 

The second reference of twice removed is the number of eras I categorize the Oilers with. The first being the Dynasty era teams of the 80's that were slowly traded or sold away into the early nineties. That lead into the  Jilted lover era of the mid/late nineties and early 2000's where we saw some great players (Weight, Arnott, Guerin, Smyth, Marchant, Joseph etc.) with which the team fought hard and played hard but just getting to the second round of the playoffs was considered an earth shattering event. On top of that there was the harsh reality that due to poor economics of the time, Edmonton could neither afford to re-sign any of its talent nor attract any outside players to join in - they left us, each and everyone. Then one day the dollar turned around, a new owner was found and we are where we are today the Rebuild era.  Just as painful as the previous era but perhaps worse because now it would seem the team has all the resources it could ever want at its disposal but still can't figure out just what to do with it all. Like a newly wealthy nerd.

The third and final idea behind Twice Removed is that, as I stated earlier, I have no ties to the team or to the media - zip, zero, none. I have no credibility or ability in this regard. Just a half-baked idea and some spare time between the kids going to bed and the Daily Show. I may not be the guy writing in his mother's basement but at the same time that guy has way more time to invest in something like this and probably has a keen interest in things like statistics and facts so I'm probably a level or two below. I should be so lucky as to aspire to such heights but for now it is what it is.

Anyway, there you have it. One down and I don't know how many more to go. But if you care to, follow me into the dark and lets see what happens...